Easily distracted by shiny things
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I finally admitted to myself something that I’ve known for pretty much my whole life but never had the courage to say out loud – especially not to myself. I’m a perfectionist with an enfeebling fear of failure. I fear failure so much that quite […]
The Vees Big Adventure is up in the air, free-falling, and we are devastated. Due to circumstances beyond our control and unscrupulous RV dealers, the costs to repair the RV properly (despite us being told by the salesman AND the technician that it had a […]
Alright! Just a quick update on our RV situation:
The RV centre finally got in touch on Friday and said our little Brave was ready for pickup – Monday afternoon! Hooray!
And then we put the phone down and looked at each other and realised Monday was also the arrival of Hurricane Irma in Georgia. What to do? We had a good think and a hearty discussion.
The RV centre is way up north and west and won’t be “touched” by Irma until late Tuesday, and Irma will no longer be a full-on hurricane by then (in theory) “only” a heavy depression. However, due to the timeline of our pickup and the storm, we’ve made the decision to head out that way (we will leave a good few hours before Irma hits the Georgia state line down below us) grab our RV, drop our rental car off (we didn’t think Daisy would be up for that kind of long drive, plus we wanted to BOTH be in the RV with the dogs – not have one of us driving behind) and head up further north to Tennessee to visit our good friend from Germany who is now living in the USA. He has space for us, the dogs, our RV, and lots to show us on his farm there. We can ride out the rest of the storm and get our first taste for RV living – probably a little bit safer than in Augusta too.
Just hope our home, and Daisy, hold up while we’re gone. We’ll batten everything down outside; unplug everything inside; take everything upstairs that can be moved and hope for the best.
I’ll take lots of photos and maybe some video too (to add to our YouTube channel, of course!) of this first big step in our Big Adventure!
You certainly can’t say The Vees do anything in half measures!
Things are getting “real” here in the Vee household! Our RV is in the “queue” for the full check out “check-out”; we pick up our gorgeous old Jeep in a couple of weeks time; we’ve sold Erika. We were heartbroken; both of us near tears, […]
Finally, I can relax. Over the last couple of days, I wrote my final exams for my medical course… it is finally at an end. It was a long, difficult, brain intensive course and I thoroughly enjoyed MOST of it. It had a few moments […]
Living the military life can be both incredibly awesome, and totally miserable.
You get to live in places all over the world, on the military’s dime, and you get to experience things you’d never normally experience thanks to this.
The flip side of this travel collage is that you make friends, and you then get to say goodbye. Either you are leaving, or they are leaving, and if you happen to meet them at the end of your run in a place, or at the end of theirs, your time is even shorter. For most this is not an issue, but for people like me (and like the friends I have made – mostly foreigners like me, let me add – but not all) who find it hard to open up to people in the first place, having to speed up the “making friends” process can be horribly uncomfortable. Because of this, I don’t make friends. I actually try and make a point of not interacting too much with people because it takes me so long to trust and to find common ground.
However, I also try very hard to make “doggy friends” so that my dogs don’t feel alienated and “left out” when we move to a new place. Most of these “doggy friends” stay just that: people we meet at the dog park, or occasionally see out walking and join on a loop of the neighbourhood, but then one or two come along where our dogs just click, and we just click, and that’s it for my hermit mentality.
Now, through experience in this life, when it is time to say goodbye I tend to find myself feeling numb, aloof, and detached.
Saying goodbye to my friend Stephanie and her dog Frost, (and her husband Mike as well – though I was closer to Stephanie because of all the time we spent together daily with our dogs) today was difficult. I could feel the walls coming up already as she walked back to her car – “Don’t look back!” I said, because I knew if she did I would probably cry – and my heart turning in on itself, as per usual. I will be very sad, believe me, but after a few days I will move on with my daily life, back to my hermit ways. Back to weeks of silence, except for enlightening conversations with my dogs. I’ve done this enough times now to know that while it hurts right now, it will ease and it’s not like this time I’m going to another country – we can still be in touch!
But she and Frost were the reason we got going in the mornings: our walks were important. She also kept us on a routine in the evenings – we had to walk, or Frost would get up to mischief all night!
What will kick me in the soft bits later is when we go for our evening romp and stroll to and from the dog park, and the dogs wait impatiently at the fence for Frost and Stephanie to arrive… and they won’t be joining us ever again. That will hurt. My dogs are my children, and knowing they are confused and missing their buddy, that will hurt.
I know all the dogs knew there was something going on today (and for the last week, really, with the coming and going of Stephanie and Frost, and me as well) as Odin was very clingy with me, and Azzie wouldn’t leave Stephanie alone when she came to drop our vacuum cleaner off.
They will feel it when we go out, just the 4 of us, on our walks in the forest, or through the back streets of the other ‘hoods. And no more ‘hood walks, because we no longer have our body guards with us – Stephanie and Frost made us feel safer, even if it was just for the most part positive thinking, rather than practicality.
But, we got our day at the beach,
our walks in the sun, in the rain, in the wind, in the forest,
on the streets with our friends. These memories will stick with us always.
Safe travels, my friends.
Welcome, officially, to the military life.
Hello!
And now, time to say goodbye.
I watched “Logan” recently and I sobbed my heart out (no spoilers, don’t worry) and felt this terrible aching loss which was more than just the end of a legendary run by Hugh Jackman as “Wolverine/Logan” – something else was also there, at the edges […]
To Find Your Trail I am a firm believer in getting your dogs out in the area they are “living” (or even just staying for a short while) and getting to know it well, and finding good trails to follow. When a dog is stuck […]
I will probably “lose friends” once again because of this opinion, but I am SO TIRED of keeping my mouth shut about this RIDICULOUSNESS! So if you take “offense” at me having an opinion – feel free to remove me from your list (whatever that list may be) and if you have a CONSTRUCTIVE response that you would like to share, feel free. I am always willing to listen to a considered, eloquent argument against my rant. And yes, it’s a rant. I was reacting (and yes, I know that’s never a good idea!) to the news my husband shared with me about the story below, after a long week of similar stories and incidents of pointlessness:
Karlie Kloss having to APOLOGISE for “cultural appropriation” in a “racist” PHOTO SHOOT?!?!?!?! WTF? For BEING DRESSED (as a model, she doesn’t even have a bloody say in the shoot parameters or ideas) as a Japanese Geisha in a shoot. THE PHOTOGRAPHER AND SHOOT COORDINATOR should apologise (if there WAS ANYTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR!!!) if anyone should… not the model! The model does her job, she gets dressed and set up in a shot and she poses, she puts her stamp on it with her looks and her attitude and sometimes, with some models, with their personal touch. THAT’S IT. How is that RACIST?
I am SO TIRED of this “cultural appropriation” crap! As long as it’s not done to DEGRADE or malign or KNOWINGLY offend a “people” WHY DOES IT MATTER if you wear your hair in two braids, wear fringed clothing, wear a Stetson, cowboy boots, a sarong or a sari, or dress up as a Japanese Geisha?!?! The photos were BEAUTIFUL – classy, simple, elegant, Vogue at their usual – they weren’t making fun of, or “sexualising” the image of the geisha or Japanese women! They were showing the simple beauty and classic imagery of these iconic women. Nothing more! Yes, perhaps they didn’t get the make up PERFECT (it takes years of dedication by a true geisha to do that) and the clothes were not TRUE kimono (which are also an intricate process and ceremony in themselves!) but their simplicity and elegance were meant to be an HOMAGE to their craft and incredibly dedicated lives, not a BAD COPY.
I am SO BLOODY TIRED of “internet crusader people” jumping on ANY LITTLE THING that they DEEM is “OFFENSIVE” to SOMEONE – most of the time the people who are supposedly meant to be offended DON’T GIVE A SHIT! It means nothing to them! If it’s not making them look stupid, or backward, or hurting their culture in some way…. GET OVER IT – THEY DO!
Just LET IT GO, people! If it doesn’t DIRECTLY AFFECT YOU or CAUSE YOU PERSONAL HARM or mental anguish… JUST LEAVE IT THE F**K ALONE!
Stop jumping on a CAUSE that DOES NOT EXIST!
Oh man, if everyone who should SUPPOSEDLY be offended by things that MIGHT be deemed (by the EVER WISE INTERNET CAPED CRUSADERS) “cultural appropriation” was to get all up in arms about every little thing “stolen” from their culture.. the world would be SILENT AND NAKED. And that would probably bloody offend some TWAT somewhere who it had NOTHING TO DO WITH!
*deep breath*
YE GODS PEOPLE. GET OVER IT!
End of rant.
Gina is well. We have returned from the vet and Gina was given an “all clear” on her ultrasound – liver, kidneys, bladder, gallbladder, spleen, and everything in between are all good and in fact in “excellent” condition, according to the vet who did the […]
Furmom to three adopted furkids. Adoption advocate. Outdoorsy, hiker, trail walker. Photographer. Full-Time Adventurer! Nature lover. South African born. Tea drinker. Food lover. Reader. Attempted runner. Listener. Read More…
I finally admitted to myself something that I’ve known for pretty much my whole life but never had the courage to say out loud – especially not to myself.
I’m a perfectionist with an enfeebling fear of failure.
I fear failure so much that quite often I don’t even begin a project because I’m too terrified it will go wrong or I’ll make a mistake of some kind.
I reached a clear understanding of my “condition” with my recent fevered work search.
I’ve applied for many, many jobs – all within my wheelhouse, or at least expertise-adjacent – and while I have received about 90% of the “thank you, but we’re not hiring” or “thank you, but you’re not what we’re looking for” and (my favourite) “thank you, but we want US citizens only” responses, the other 10% have responded with “You sound perfect for this! Please complete our short entrance test/exam and we’ll see where you stand and where we can use you!”
I’ve completed two so far. Two.
I’m the queen of excuses; the duchess of rationalization; the empress of reasons to dilly-dally.
I’ve started another test; “set up” (by downloading the files and filling in the forms) for 3 others, but whenever I find the time my brain starts to look for excuses: I have no space on this tiny desk to work properly (the movers took our nice big table away, so husband and I are sharing this tiny rickety desk and we barely fit, even sitting on opposite sides of it); the glare on my screen is too much for me to accurately see what I’m typing; I’m tired; I’m restless and the dogs need me to… do something; the laundry needs folding; the kitchen needs cleaning; I can’t use my pedal correctly and it makes my legs or my back ache sitting at such a strange angle.
And the excuses just roll on in.
The thing that REALLY pisses me off is that once I START on something and get rolling and into it I’m just fine! I can churn out a great deal of excellent work when I focus!
I enjoy my work! I studied hard; I worked hard; I learned a great deal; I actually ENJOY the subjects I’ve trained for, and the other work is interesting as well because I CHOSE them specifically because it was something I knew about or was interesting in! It’s just getting over that “Well, what if I make a mistake? What if they don’t like my work? What if I do it wrong?” initial emotional mental blast, that’s what’s driving me nuts.
I even put off doing another entrance test today so I could write this blog post.
Ridiculous!
I can honestly partially blame this self-doubt on my head injury – because of the nature of head injuries, there was a long (YEARS) period where I couldn’t trust my eyes/ears/understanding. I would hear words that were not there, or not hear words that were. I would forget the meaning of the most basic, daily words. I would forget what I was saying AS I WAS SAYING IT. I would start something and completely forget what it was for. I couldn’t read because I would lose the story after about 3 lines.
I called the bank once to check on some strange activity on my account (which was not strange at all, but stuff _I_ had purchased) and about 1 minute after the lady started speaking to me, I forgot why I called. I could NOT remember.
As soon as I hung up… it came back to me.
But it’s been 14 years (end of this month) since my accident and I have made incredible progress in my recovery – built new neural pathways and discovered new ways of looking at things and doing things that I didn’t think I’d ever master again. I CANNOT hold the excuse up anymore. I am stronger than that; I am MORE than just a “survivor” of TBI.
The time has come to move on; to get over it, under it, or through it – whichever works.
Tomorrow is a new day and I must embrace it.
Counter the excuses, the ill-formed reasoning.
I must stop being afraid of making a mistake; stop being afraid of failure.
I can still strive for perfection, but not at the cost of efficiency or progress.
