Motoring along with the dress after leaving it to “rest” for 24 hours as recommended. Now on to the binding…
One thing I can always count on my husband for, is the brutal truth.
He sees me from a totally different perspective and sometimes he sees far more than I realise.
In an argument recently, he called me a hypocrite.
I vehemently denied that I was, that it was just hard to explain my opinion, that I was just looking at things differently…
but after I thought about it for a while (angrily wiping my snot and tears) I came to the truth like a punch in the throat:
He is right.
I am a hypocrite.
It was like being kicked in the heart. But it was necessary. I needed to see it. Needed to hear it. Rather from him – who I know loves me – than from a stranger.
My desperate need to please everyone, all the time – usually to my detriment – causes me to back off from having an opinion, from standing up for something I believe in. It makes me say one thing in public and another in private. There shouldn’t be this disconnect, this two-faced self that I am.
It makes me as bad as the rest. My high horse is nothing but a mop with a piece of string tied to it.
My heart still hurts. I feel scraped out like a peanut butter jar at the end of the month. Like there’s nothing real left inside.
But I think… I _hope_ that this means I can start finding me again.
I don’t know where I lost myself. Not the first time I’ve done this. Took me years to be content with myself, last time.
But then I was happy. I was true to myself. I didn’t change anything for anyone. I was good to myself.
It was like this at the start – and I cannot and I do not blame this on my husband: he has been nothing but supportive, pushing me to pursue my dreams and anything that I wanted to do to make me feel better about myself – but somehow, I start to “slip” and then I start to be deferential, and then I start to sit fences and then I stop having my own opinion at all. I just “fit myself in” wherever it’s needed. I am a chameleon. But not as beautiful or as amazing. It’s all on the surface.
There is a deepness to me – I am not shallow. That is not one of my faults – but it’s covered in a layer of … ice? Earth? Like a deep cavern – so deep in the earth, so dark and cold and hidden away that nobody would ever find it. And while it would stay “Safe” it would never see the light of the sun.
So I’m taking a break from facebook. from drama. from trying to say what i think everyone needs to hear. from saying one thing and then pretending it never came from me in case it offends someone.
I need to find me again.
I need to find my crow. My tiger. I want to be proud to be me again.
Woke up this morning and had REM’s song “It’s the end of the world as we know it” running through my mind 🙂
21st December 2012. (21.12.2012 in normal usage… 12.21.2012 for the Americans)
I’m hoping the “end of the world” just means an end to the bad and a start of a new age – enlightenment sounds so cliche and hippy, but I mean it in the best possible way. A new age of reason, logic, peace… maybe?
Azzie is coming along nicely – a few accidents along the way (like today… but we will not speak of it) – and we even left her and Gina alone for 4 hours yesterday afternoon (it was after lunch for them too!) and there were no accidents, or silliness when we got home!
We were so proud!
She also sleeps all through the night now – from bed time to wake up time… sometimes she gets us up a little early, but 45 minutes maybe… nothing major. We get up anyway!
She’s also behaving a lot better on her leash (on harness or collar) and responding very well to commands (especially “come” and “sit”) and she even learned “down” and does it easily, as long as you have a treat in your hand 🙂
The snow melted unfortunately, but it came down briefly yesterday and we had a nice covering for the dogs to play in 🙂
We’ve had rain mostly, for the last week or so… and more to come, I believe.
So things are moving along… I am hoping to get back to my sewing as well, now that I know I can trust her alone for a little while.
Need to make some space on the dining room table! See if I can move my laptop over a bit perhaps.
I’ll work it out.
Due to some technical issues, I have unfortunately kinda “lost” my old posts and media. My techno-whiz friend Vanessa (of The Vanessa Macleod Creative Agency ) has done what she can to save my archives (all the way back to 2006!) and they will be available […]
My husband and I make a point of trying something new whenever we can.
Food is a large part of our lifestyle – we both love good food and we are always trying to maintain a balance between healthy food and tasty food and of course, new kinds of food!I do my best in the kitchen – I love to cook – and 95% of the time, my “concoctions” come out really well. There are quite a few experimental dishes that are now my husband’s firm favourites and I make them at least once a week. Shrimp and rice (with garlic and olive oil and lemon juice and a dash of cream) or couscous. I prefer rice (brown or wild) to plain white now, and so does my husband.
We also eat wholewheat pasta and wholewheat/wholegrain breads.I’ve changed my husband’s eating habits quite dramatically over the last couple of years, and now that I am living with him and cooking for him every day, even more so. I’ve cut his salt intake drastically, upped his vegetable portions and introduced him to leaner meats. We tried out some bison burgers the other day (80% bison meat, 20% beef) and also got some ground bison. One of my husband’s new favourite dishes is a simple one that my mother often made (and still makes!) for dinner – with ground beef (which we substitute with bison as often as we can afford – it’s a very expensive menu item change!) and chutney (not Mrs Balls, unfortunately – a beloved local favourite and ingredient in almost every single dish made by South Africans! ketchup and some soy sauce (low sodium, of course!) and well fried onions and sometimes some mushrooms and green bell pepper.
Through trial and error, I also discovered a type of fish that is sold at the commissary, called tilapia, which tastes remarkably like hake – which is another firm favourite of South Africans. I made beer batter and nice chunky oven chips to go with it. I also throw in some PEAS – which are not my husband’s preferred vegetable, but are definitely mine!These are all things we would never have discovered if we didn’t both have the “I’ll try it once!” attitude.
So next time you are wanting a change – try something new! Most of the time, it works! When it doesn’t, you simply learn from your mistake and move on! I’ve made quite a few culinary woopsies and my wonderful husband just says, “Well.. maybe don’t make that again…” or “Not your best, babe.”I take it in, and I look for something new!This afternoon, for a snack, I tucked into something different: an Oriental Pear. I didn’t know what to expect (I hadn’t read anything online about them) and I was rather pleasantly surprised! They have the consistency of an apple, but the delicious flavour of a pear. There is also a very faint tang of anise or something like it. I’ll definitely be getting them again – perhaps next time I will grill them (or as the American’s say “broil”) with some honey and nuts?
Try something new! Open your mind! Broaden your horizons!