One thing I can always count on my husband for, is the brutal truth.
He sees me from a totally different perspective and sometimes he sees far more than I realise.
In an argument recently, he called me a hypocrite.
I vehemently denied that I was, that it was just hard to explain my opinion, that I was just looking at things differently…
but after I thought about it for a while (angrily wiping my snot and tears) I came to the truth like a punch in the throat:
He is right.
I am a hypocrite.
It was like being kicked in the heart. But it was necessary. I needed to see it. Needed to hear it. Rather from him – who I know loves me – than from a stranger.
My desperate need to please everyone, all the time – usually to my detriment – causes me to back off from having an opinion, from standing up for something I believe in. It makes me say one thing in public and another in private. There shouldn’t be this disconnect, this two-faced self that I am.
It makes me as bad as the rest. My high horse is nothing but a mop with a piece of string tied to it.
My heart still hurts. I feel scraped out like a peanut butter jar at the end of the month. Like there’s nothing real left inside.
But I think… I _hope_ that this means I can start finding me again.
I don’t know where I lost myself. Not the first time I’ve done this. Took me years to be content with myself, last time.
Years.
But then I was happy. I was true to myself. I didn’t change anything for anyone. I was good to myself.
It was like this at the start – and I cannot and I do not blame this on my husband: he has been nothing but supportive, pushing me to pursue my dreams and anything that I wanted to do to make me feel better about myself – but somehow, I start to “slip” and then I start to be deferential, and then I start to sit fences and then I stop having my own opinion at all. I just “fit myself in” wherever it’s needed. I am a chameleon. But not as beautiful or as amazing. It’s all on the surface.
There is a deepness to me – I am not shallow. That is not one of my faults – but it’s covered in a layer of … ice? Earth? Like a deep cavern – so deep in the earth, so dark and cold and hidden away that nobody would ever find it. And while it would stay “Safe” it would never see the light of the sun.
So I’m taking a break from facebook. from drama. from trying to say what i think everyone needs to hear. from saying one thing and then pretending it never came from me in case it offends someone.
I need to find me again.
I need to find my crow. My tiger. I want to be proud to be me again.
