Brutally truthy

One thing I can always count on my husband for, is the brutal truth.

He sees me from a totally different perspective and sometimes he sees far more than I realise.

In an argument recently, he called me a hypocrite.

I vehemently denied that I was, that it was just hard to explain my opinion, that I was just looking at things differently…

but after I thought about it for a while (angrily wiping my snot and tears) I came to the truth like a punch in the throat:

He is right.

I am a hypocrite.

It was like being kicked in the heart. But it was necessary. I needed to see it. Needed to hear it. Rather from him – who I know loves me – than from a stranger.

My desperate need to please everyone, all the time – usually to my detriment – causes me to back off from having an opinion, from standing up for something I believe in. It makes me say one thing in public and another in private. There shouldn’t be this disconnect, this two-faced self that I am.

It makes me as bad as the rest. My high horse is nothing but a mop with a piece of string tied to it.

My heart still hurts. I feel scraped out like a peanut butter jar at the end of the month. Like there’s nothing real left inside.

But I think… I _hope_ that this means I can start finding me again.

I don’t know where I lost myself. Not the first time I’ve done this. Took me years to be content with myself, last time.


But then I was happy. I was true to myself. I didn’t change anything for anyone. I was good to myself.

It was like this at the start – and I cannot and I do not blame this on my husband: he has been nothing but supportive, pushing me to pursue my dreams and anything that I wanted to do to make me feel better about myself – but somehow, I start to “slip” and then I start to be deferential, and then I start to sit fences and then I stop having my own opinion at all. I just “fit myself in” wherever it’s needed. I am a chameleon. But not as beautiful or as amazing. It’s all on the surface.

There is a deepness to me – I am not shallow. That is not one of my faults – but it’s covered in a layer of … ice? Earth? Like a deep cavern – so deep in the earth, so dark and cold and hidden away that nobody would ever find it. And while it would stay “Safe” it would never see the light of the sun.


So I’m taking a break from facebook. from drama. from trying to say what i think everyone needs to hear. from saying one thing and then pretending it never came from me in case it offends someone.

I need to find me again.

I need to find my crow. My tiger. I want to be proud to be me again.

Climb up Get back


Guest Post – Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy

I was not aware of it, but apparently I actually do have an “audience” out there on the internet. I became aware of this a few days ago when a lovely lady called Emily mailed me and asked if she could do a guest spot on my blog as she had some tips for staying healthy, for military veterans – PTSD and TBI help included.

Of course, I am more than willing to share – and if she gets a good response (from my enormous audience *cough*) I am sure there would be more guest posts in the future from her.

This is her little “blurb” that she sent me when I (finally – yes, it took me a while) responded to her email:

My name is Emily Walsh and I am the Community Outreach Blogger for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. I happened to come across your blog and wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading it. I currently write for the MCA on many different topics that relate to veteran and military health, including some of the lesser-known health risks, and would love to write a post for your blog.

While the health risks of being in the military can be frightening, there are effective ways to deal with all of the problems that may arise from time in the service. I truly believe this information is of great value to those active or retired, and especially their loved ones. I am confident my article would be a good addition and important message for your audience.

This is her small article:

Ways Veterans Can Stay Healthy

Veterans served their countries for many years and deserve to be honored for their
efforts. Unfortunately, some of them can encounter a number of health problems
after they get done with their service including mesothelioma, traumatic brain
injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder and gunshot wounds. It is very important for
veterans to do everything they can to stay healthy. If you are a veteran, here are
some of the ways you can maintain good health.

Eat Healthy
As a veteran, it is important to eat a healthy diet to keep your immune system
healthy. Make sure to fill your diet with fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole
grains. Try to limit your intake of greasy and processed foods because they offer
very little nutritional value. If you decide to eat something fattening or unhealthy, try
to at least limit your portion size.

Visit Your Doctor Regularly
It is extremely important to visit your doctor regularly. A doctor will give you a full
examination and find out if you have any underlying health issues. If your doctor is
able to detect a health problem early, it will be much easier for him to treat it. Try to
visit your doctor at least every six months and be sure to tell him if you are
experiencing any health problems.

Exercise on a Regular Basis
Exercising regularly will not just keep your weight down; it will also boost your
immune system and make you stronger. Try to exercise at least four to five days a
week for 30 minutes. Do activities you enjoy like running, biking, swimming or
dancing. Consider working out with a friend or family member so that you avoid
getting bored. If you do not like working out outside, consider getting a gym
membership. Health clubs have great exercise equipment that can help keep you in

Although you can’t ever be sure if you will have health problems, following these tips
can help you stay healthier. If you exercise, eat healthy and visit your doctor
regularly, you will be much more likely to stay healthy and avoid getting diseases
that affect veterans.